Date: 19 April, 2016
Passenger Name: Alexis Owen
Passenger Identification Code: 866523A
Passenger Access Password: ******
Sent Location: UGSA EXPLORER 6; Ebenezer Galaxy
Received Location: Earth

Hey, Alexis here. So, we’re officially un-bored and ready to shine. We’re about to explore this canyon thing we landed near, which, from your side of this message, sounds awesome. But you try to hook a cable into this freaking-flat-as-all-heck-and-probably-made-of-steel-and-some-other-kind-of-super-strong-metal thing we call ground here, then try to (safely) climb down into this thing that’s about 23 miles wide and God knows how deep without having to change the Natural Waste compartment on your space suit a few times. So yeah. If you thought you were having a bad day, think of me, a 23-year-old science grad student just about to break her back and be paralyzed lying on the bottom of a canyon in space, probably being eaten by an alien animal while I’m still alive. Well, on that cheery thought, I’m gonna equip my phaser and set it to “stun.” Y’know, federal issues and all that. I’m gonna try to dig a hole in this here metal ground, put another metal thing in it, then climb into a hole and hopefully not die. I’ll get back to you later.

TRANSMISSION HALTED.